It was seven weeks to the
day yesterday from my operation that introduced Steve into my life. I think I
can without hesitation say to you that it's been one of the longest &
hardest recoveries I have ever been through.
Just a few days after my
last blog, I scared the shit out of Stefan as I was changing my stoma bag &
passed out unresponsive. Lucky he was able to catch me, but my lips turned blue
& he couldn't wake me. I don't remember anything & when I came too, I
just thought it was my sugars... Two days later I was feeling like death &
was admitted into Culm again with my kidney levels rocketing & severe
dehydration.
Unfortunately, my little
life saver Steve was now causing problems for me. Everything that passed
through my lips would immediately go straight into my stoma bag so I wasn't
getting any nutrients, hydration & my kidneys were really suffering. I lost
13kg in less than a week.
After a few days of
constant IV fluids, I slowly started to pick up. I had also been started on St
Marks Solution through my mini (PEG - feeding tube) this is an electrolyte
solution to keep everything balanced. It's a pain in the fucking ass as I am
meant to have 1000ml slowly going in through the day via my feed machine, then
500mls overnight & limit my normal 'drink' to 500ml a day, preferably milk
as it's more absorbent. Things weren't going so straight forward until they put
me on some tablets which has slowed by gut down & now the 'stool' in the
bag is less like water & more like porridge so it shows I am absorbing more
& feeling a bit better with it. Sorry for the graphic detail! Although it
hasn't bettered my bloods, it's kept them stable & I am to keep up this
routine until my reversal....
Which just happens to be a
little over a week away. I am to be admitted on Tuesday 20th to Culm East, have
bowl preparation for the following two days (I have no idea what this entails
as yet) & then have my stoma operation scheduled for the Friday 23rd!
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| This Is Steve! |
I won't lie, I am
absolutely petrified. It has taken weeks for me to feel the way I do today
& that has only been in the matter of the last few days. I am walking
around, feeling stronger, tending to my animals & enjoying my food again to
know that next week, it will all be taken away from me & I will have to
start all over again. Up until now, I have had several breakdowns, thinking
that things will never get better & telling myself I can't go through
anymore. I can't do it, I see no light at the end of the tunnel & I don't
want to go through anymore. My mind set may very well change again as I won't know
till I am going through the process, but over the last few days I have felt
more positive & been telling myself that I need to get in there, get this
operation done & as soon as I wake on ITU & am coherent, get those
physios to get my ass out of bed & walk....
I want to be back onto
Culm, shitting through my asshole like the best of them, eating their revolting
mush they call food so I can show my team I will be back home before my
hospital room starts to feel lived in. I WILL NOT go through what I have done
the last 6 weeks, I realistically cannot, it will break me. So I have to do
this for myself.
I wrote in my last blog
how hard I was finding things, don't get me wrong, I still have my bad days
& I haven't battled my demons as yet, I think that is still a long way off
until this second part is over with as I feel I am in living in limbo for the
moment. I can't quite get on with life as I want too. But, the good thing now I
have realised, is that I do have a future & I want that future more than
anything so I have no option but to fight, to push for myself, for my husband,
for my family & friends. It'll be hard & I may look back on these words
& think what a bunch of bollocks Kim, you complete cockwomble you are as
weak as you thought, but for now, here's hoping I find my balls & use them!
So enough of the nitty
gritty, medical, depressing crap - it's been hard to get out the house what
with being tied down on the St Marks shit, but I have had the odd few hours out
every now & then. The dam thing isn't portable as such but I can take it in
the car with me & strap it on if I go for a tuppy or lunch somewhere which
is just what I have been doing to try & give me some sanity over the last
week or so.
I have spent a lot of time
with my sister, who has been a gem, trying to keep me from going insane, we
went to see Suicide Squad in the cinema & she treated me to lunch at The
Winking Prawn on another day so that was really nice. I have been able to get
up to see the girls at the shop for an hour here & there when able &
pop in & see my beautiful goddaughter & eat her play dough sandwich she
made me. All these little things are what's helped me literally over the last
week or so. Not forgetting my doting husband who has been making sure I eat
well in the evenings & get some fresh air with the dogs up at the moors.
The strain & stress of everything has really taken us through the mill this
time, much harder than anything I can remember, I hope it has made us stronger,
time will tell but I can't thank him enough for putting up with such a miserable,
moody twat recently.
One thing you may have
noticed in the pics is that I have had a hair change! Literally only on Friday
evening, my beautiful, very talented sister in law pampered me & made my
bright purple dry locks into a gorgeous, shiny, dark purple mane. I am so happy
with it, I think it has given me an extra little boost with my confidence over
the weekend & with feeling brighter in myself. You feel nothing but pig
shit when you are sat in PJ's at home all day, strapped to a dead weight, watching
countless amounts of Dexter & smelling of a four day old pasty. With
massive thanks to my Keets, I feel a bit pretty :)
 |
| Sunday 11th September 2016 |
I'll either be on CULM
EAST WARD or ITU.
I have also just signed up
to Instagram & snapchat!! So if you'd like to follow me it's....
invincibleinked for insta
& kkneil83 for vids to
make me laugh on snapchat!
Thank you for taking the
time as always to read all my bullshit. It does truly mean a lot to me. Have a
great week guys xxxx
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