Three Times A Charm....

So I have been home almost a week now, slowly recovering after one of the most horrendous experiences I have ever gone through.

The day after my birthday I started suffering with stomach pains & complete loss of energy, I was still eating & going to the toilet so didn't think much of it until it came back with avengence on Thursday 21st July. I was taken into hospital & had lots of tests preformed & the conclusion was I had a bowel obstruction high up in my small intestine. The surgeons did not want to operate at all as it would be extremely risky & invasive so I was started on klean prep & hoped for the best within time it would clear....

Three days past, my stomach & chest were now ballooning from my body, I was in absolute agony, had a catheter put in & could barely breathe from the pain. It was Sunday morning & the surgeons came in to tell me they had done all they could & thought my only option was to operate. They explained what they would do but all I heard was empty words, I just held Stefan's hand & cried. Within minutes nurses were taping up my piercing's & removing my nail polish. I was wheeled to a curtained ward & moved beds, I had about six people round me at the time strapping on various wires & masks etc, all the while I was in a daze just staring at my husband in his bike gear looking helpless.

I then had to say goodbye, for the third time in 4 years I was saying goodbye, not knowing if I would wake up again or ever see my husbands face. I honestly don't know if I could face that again. They wheeled me away & sent me to sleep...

Monday afternoon, (I was told) was when they woke me up on ICU. The first 24 hours were a complete blur, I don't remember much. I was in agony & don't think I could talk. As the hours passed I learnt that the operation had many difficulties & took over six hours, my stomach had been sliced open & the blockage was really bad, lesions from an operation I had when I was just six weeks old had separated from my bowel like rubber bands & caused obstruction over the course of time. I now had a stoma in place (which I am still getting used too) A stoma is part of my bowl outside of my body which is protected by a bag. A poo bag essentially, which I need to empty several times a day as it fills. So for the last 3 weeks I have had the cleanest asshole in the south hams if you will. I have named my stoma 'Steve' it's a lot to get used too, but I learned even more importantly that Steve saved my life. If the amazing surgeon hadn't operated that day I sure as hell wouldn't be here & it's knocked me for six. I know it sounds ridiculous what with having my double lung transplant, then the heart failure the following year, but this series of events has completely well & truly fucked me this time.

I was in ICU for a week & then back on Culm for 5 days until they allowed me home to rest. My movement is very limited, I am finding the stoma harder than I thought I would to except & I have felt like giving up on many occasions. I can't tell you why, I just feel numb. I haven't got the energy to face people, I am sat home just waiting to get better & it doesn't feel like I am. I know I am in reality but it just feels so slow. I absolutely hate feeling like this because at the end of the day I am ALIVE! My life was saved again.... Someone sure is looking down on me as I always scrape by somehow. This time it just feels different, I don't have my usual positivity, my fight, my drive. I am constantly breaking down & still so scared of what the next few weeks will bring. The plan now is for me to get as strong as I possibly can so Steve can be reversed, I am petrified, more surgery, but obviously not as invasive this time I hope.

My amazing lungs have done me so proud, the last few weeks, there is no way I would attempt lung function, but they have had my sats steady as a rock after coming off oxygen & I am clear as a bell so things could have been a lot trickier during my recovery. The day after I was woken from the operation, was my four year anniversary with my beautiful lungs, we had planned to go to the Eden project to celebrate but it wasn't to be. Instead, Stef brought me in a great big pink 4 helium balloon which made me smile as I lay there unable to move. I don't know what it is about July & August but I don't think I was made for Summer. Everything seems to go tits up during this time so think I will just celebrate life in the Winter from now on! 

I want to thank you all for your lovely messages of support, love & encouragement since I fell ill. Please forgive me if I haven't responded, it's very much baby steps for me at the moment in everything I do. I am sure things will become a lot better for me as time passes & I heal but emotionally I have taken a good battering as well as my body & I am feeling totally lost.

Thank you for taking the time to read

xxxxx