Numb

What a complete head fuck of a week.
The title of this blog post sums up very well how I’m feeling right now. I haven’t stopped crying since about 11am and I’m pretty sure that this feeling will continue for a good couple of days.

Firstly, Stefan and I are really worried about our beautiful baby Lynx. We noticed some odd behaviour a few weeks back, she was frantically up and down and all around her viv, never sleeping just always out, looking for something or a way to get out. Normally when they do this they are egg bound and trying to find a safe place to lay their eggs. We realised that although she is still very young, there was a possible chance she could have mated with So’Co when they shared the same viv. (Although when we had ‘him’ sexed twice in the past, we were told he was a she)

They live in separate viv’s now but her behaviour continued even after we had given her a few lay boxes in case she was gravid (pregnant) to be able to nest in. I’m a real worrier at the best of times and didn’t want any harm to come to her if for some reason there was a problem with her trying to lay or the fact she wasn’t egg bound at all and she was ill. We took her to our reptile vet, where he x-rayed and ultra sounded her to make sure, and yes she very well had eggs in her little belly. Although, he said she may have produced eggs herself (without mating) so there is a high possibility they aren’t fertilised.
We were told to persist with the lay boxes and try different materials for her to be able to choose what she wanted to lay in and I was given some calcium that I had to catheter syringe down past her wind pipe into the back of her throat for her to swallow every day. This is very tricky when you have a frightened little corn snake with a belly full of eggs that doesn’t want to open her mouth, I hate the fact she doesn’t know what to do with herself and to cause more stress by doing this to her everyday is heartbreaking but I know it’s for the best. We have to take her back at the end of this week and if she hasn’t laid, (and nothing has happened so far) she will have to have surgery as she could keep them in her body until they start to harm her and she will die.

I feel sick with worry, yes vets are very expensive, the trip alone to confirm the eggs was a whack I really didn’t need but if she were to have surgery I know this will be extremely pricey. What’s more important to me though is if she had to have surgery I wouldn’t hold back, some people reading this may think, it’s just a snake, but if you knew me well enough you would know that my husband and my snakes are my life. I cannot have children, and although this can really get me down on days, my snakes are everything to me, my own babies and I would do anything to make sure they are happy and healthy. She has now started to refuse food, which can be a sign that she is about to lay, but if it’s the fact she has just become poorlier, I will be absolutely heartbroken. I’m praying every day that she’s just not ready and the time will come when she feels she want’s to lay, so please, please keep your fingers crossed for my Lynx.

Last night was the night out for my sisters birthday, I dressed up as a Merlotte waitress (will post some pic’s in next blog) and at the beginning of the night I started to have fun despite having a really bad day with my lungs. As the night carried on and we were in the pub however, my mood just dropped, apart from a few lovely people talking to me, giving me encouraging words and having a laugh, I began to feel extremely alienated, I was being stared at from every corner of the room and I just felt so uncomfortable and upset. I knew people were whispering about me, some comments I could actually hear (I’m not dumb) and that was it, I had to leave before I burst into tears in front of the whole pub. I went home with Stef and our friend Darren who crashed at ours and went to bed. It’s the first time in a long time I felt like I didn’t belong out, it was bizarre, but I knew I never wanted to feel like that again, and I think it’ll be a very long time before someone can persuade me to go out for a drink again…..

Finally, this morning I woke up to the absolute devastating news that my CF friend Stuart had lost his battle. We became friends on facebook, but last November when I was up at Harefield for my transplant assessment Stefan and I met him and spent the afternoon chatting the hours away. He was post transplant and at the time was doing quite well, he was incredibly supportive, telling me that the staff on the ward were amazing and I would be in the best possible hands but to get a good takeaway in me every now and then because the food was just rank!! He made us giggle and the fact he’d taken time out to come and see me, make me feel at ease about what I was about to go through was extremely kind and thoughtful.

We kept in touch through facebook, I know to some people it might be strange that you never actually hang out with the person, but because of cross infection this makes it very hard for us all. However, the CF community is extremely strong, I have a bond with certain people that I may have met only once or never met at all and that’s something people without CF just wouldn’t understand. We are fighters, we know exactly what each one is going through and will be there through the thick and thin if one of us is going through a hard time. I knew Stu had been very unwell for a while now but he never failed to make me laugh or complain, we only spoke a week or so ago and it has come as a complete and utter blow that this cruel vile disease has taken another one of my friends. Of course it scares the absolute life out of me, my head is all over the place at the moment but Stuart was an inspiration to all of us Cfer’s and I owe it to him to keep on fighting.

Breathe easy now angel, you are no longer in pain, spread your wings and fly high, my love to all your family… xxx