I really wanted to post
this when I was on a major high, but it's been so back & forth lately I
can't promise you when that feeling will be back again so thought I would try
now whilst I've got some time to myself.
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| One of 'those' days... |
I'll start with the crappy
bit first just because I do like to focus on telling you all the good things in
my life mainly....
So, I've just recently had
my annual review & from a lung point of view I have been infection &
rejection free for over a year - they aren't amazing in the lung function
department but my little puffers are really proving to be the best gift I could
ever have received, it really does baffle me how they have got me through the
last five & a half years & I'm still waking take a deep breathe in the
morning without feeling like I'm drowning.
Unfortunately the down
side is my stoma & my kidneys. They are spiralling down as you would expect
kidney failure to go, creatinine results are getting higher, I'm thirsty all
the time, my stoma blocks, my tremors are worse & I am getting cramps in
both feet & hands now literally every evening which is agony. For some
reason my acid reflux is back with vengeance too but we had decided already
that no more surgery can be done so I will just have to suck that up & get
on with it. I am seeing my diabetes team next week in the hope they can help me
with high sugars & see if there is a way we can prolong my kidneys going
into failure in the long run.
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| Talking to the public about Tarantulas |
Head fucked wise, I'm
still there - As I said my moods are on a roundabout - I have amazing days
where I literally feel nothing could go wrong, happy with everything I am doing
& so thankful for all in my life. Then there are days like today, certain
people piss me off, I feel like a complete mug, things happen to people, it's handed to them on a plate,
just like that when they don't even get off their arses to try for anything & yet I try to be
the nicest person going, stay kind, be polite, hold my tongue, work hard to keep going & stay forever
grateful... Yet I am hiding behind this smile because I've got so much going on
in the background no-one will ever understand just how I feel. It's a process
that only me & myself can deal with I guess, battle my demons one day at a
time, it'll never be cured, I just need to focus on those good days &
really hold on tight to them as they come & go...
Good things, good
things.... Ok, so. I am having an absolute blast volunteering at the zoo, literally one of
my favourite days of the week & it's really brought me out of myself. I
think it's because I get to talk about the one thing I am crazy about, and if
the people are interested & want to learn then I get a great response back
& that in turn gives me a natural buzz. All my personal animals are doing
great, I've added a Cobalt Blue (Spider) to my collection & at least three
of my royal pythons will be laying eggs for me early May. So I feel at least
they must be quite happy in the conditions I am providing them with :)
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| Hypo Mojave Ovulation |
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| Blue, My Cobalt Blue! |
I also hit the media again
in aid of helping my very talented friend Lisa, who runs the salon in China
Blue, Totnes. She has just completed a course on some therapy treatments that
are designed to help the chronically ill. Lisa preformed the Hand on Heart
Treatment for me & I wrote a testimonial. Devon Live wrote an article &
published it towards the end of the week last week. I really hope that it helps
to spread the word out there on just how many different kinds of treatment can
help those in need.
Now Stefan & I have
talked & talked into the small hours and beyond. Personally, owning my own
house has never been a part of my future because I've always known that
eventually there will come a day when I am no longer here. Stefan on the other
hand, (one would hope) will hopefully live on to have another lifetime without
me & really wants to get onto the property ladder & have his own home.
A home with me.
Don't get me wrong, I would
love nothing more if we all could see into our futures and have our paths there
laid ahead so we know what to save / spend money on, what will and evidently
won't happen. I don't want to save for a year, living on baked beans whilst we
scrapple a deposit together, get the completion on route & then not be here
to even paint the first coat on our bedroom wall!
It's hard to explain on here because I want happiness for Stefan, I don't want to be grudge him a life in the future. He wants security & everyone should be entitled to that. I just feel stuck in limbo because who knows what's round the corner for me. In some aspects I'm doing well, in others I'm failing epically.
I want everything to be
spontaneous.... Go for trips, days out, meals, crabbing! Fun times! Experience
all I can... (Although you have to have a pretty good budget to live the high
life)
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| Modelling @ The National Trust Greenway with my sister |
I've asked if he would go
to New York with me. My experience last year was breathtaking
& I owe it to all of you for helping me get there.... I want to share the
experience with my husband more than anything, take him to the sights I saw
& a lot more besides.
Stefan wants to save for a house. So we have compromised to a point. Stefan is working really hard (as usual) & putting back for a house, and I am saving everything I can to try & get to new York again. I don't know how long it will take us, but I'm hoping that eventually, it's not all a pipe dream & we get to live at least one of them out.... I said to Stefan that it would be the most amazing thing if we get to pop a cork & celebrate New Years Eve 2020 in our own home.....
Stefan wants to save for a house. So we have compromised to a point. Stefan is working really hard (as usual) & putting back for a house, and I am saving everything I can to try & get to new York again. I don't know how long it will take us, but I'm hoping that eventually, it's not all a pipe dream & we get to live at least one of them out.... I said to Stefan that it would be the most amazing thing if we get to pop a cork & celebrate New Years Eve 2020 in our own home.....
So that's where we are at - for those that are wondering why we are doing nothing but watching TV in the evenings & I'm being tight as a ducks ass throughout the week, you can understand my reasons...
I will keep you posted
with more exciting things if they happen when they do!! Thank you so much for
reading guys & hanging in there with me, your support is greatly
appreciated. xxxxx
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