Those of you that are close to me will know how much I’ve wanted it for so long & been struggling to cope with the reality that it will not happen.
Not the natural way anyway…
A lot of my friends have children, & many people I know are either giving birth or are becoming pregnant at the moment.
It kills me to log onto facebook and see ‘my baby progress’ posts & such like, I feel so bad for feeling the way I do at times, I hate myself - I’m so happy for people when they start making little families & bringing little mini me’s into this world, but cannot shift a slight twinge of 'I wish that was me'.
It devastates me when I see children not being looked after properly or news items on abandonment & cruelty.
I guess if I became pregnant, there isn’t much my cf team could do, but I know not only will I be risking my unborn babies life, I’m putting mine very much at risk. I was told not to even think about pregnancy, my lung function should be at least 50% before I consider concieving , mine is half that, and the truth of the matter is, if I was stupid enough to risk it, I doubt very much I would be here to bring up my baby, if he/she survived themselves…
I did also ask about this during my transplant assessment, but still, if I were to go on the list, have the life saving operation & all be a success, I would still be heavily advised against it, due to antibodies in my blood that could force organ rejection.
It’s heartbreaking to think I can’t give Stefan a child, he would make the most amazing daddy. He is so good with children & adores his nephew Jack (who was born in April this year) to bits. We’ve talked a lot about the issue, but he says now he is dead against the idea of trying, and would never want to risk my life. He says he doesn’t want children, but deep down I know if things were different, and I was ’normal’ (as normal can be these days!) we would be going down the same road as my friends right now & making our own little family of Kneils.
In December 2010, Stefan gave me the best surprise I could ever have wished for. My first snake, an amel baby corn snake, which I named So’Co, after our favourite drink Southern Comfort!
I can’t remember what got me into snakes, but ever since a very young age I was fascinated by them, I didn’t want a dog or a cat, but of course we had them & even a hamster at one point, horrible bitey little thing he was! But I really wanted a snake. My mum promised me one for my birthday one year, I was on Louisa Cary ward in Torbay Hospital but got rushed down to Great Ormond Street in London where I stayed for two weeks & had my rotting gall bladder removed. I was meant to get my snake when I was better & back at home but it never happened…
The fact Stefan had made one of my childhood dreams come true was just amazing, he knew me so well & wanted to do anything to make me happy.
He wasn’t too keen on snakes himself before we got our little So’Co, but as soon as you have one, its like a tattoo addiction, you just want more!!!
My first ever corn snake, So'Co
Next we got our little girl Lynx, an anery corn, only a few months older than
So’Co, she is stunning & was quite a bit bigger than So’Co at the time.
Lynx watching X Factor, she was like this for about twenty minutes!!
Unfortunately he was extremely poorly, riddled with mites & suffering from a respiratory infection, which broke our hearts. Although it cost us money & alot of dedication to make him better over the course of two months I was so glad we rescued him, our vet said if he was left much longer he would have died.
He’s now just over 5ft with lots more to grow & is a beautiful, very affectionate snake.
Our Kai, curled up on his bar stool
Finally to complete our little family, we got Cleo, our tiny baby girl boa constrictor off our friend Marc, she’s adorable & such a character, at times I wonder if she knows she‘s a snake, she doesn‘t half hang off things in awkward positions!!
Cleo, the day we got her in Stefan's hand
They all have wicked personalities, people think I’m crazy & say, you can’t cuddle a snake! But all four of our babies love to come out of their homes, and have a play and a cuddle. They always make me feel better no matter what has happened that day…
So for now, although it still upsets me that life can’t be as simple & go the way I’d like it to, I am so happy & grateful to have my loving husband & my four beautiful (& greedy!) snake babies to get me through the day xxx
It is so good that you have your snakes to care for. I had a couple of lizards when I lived in at the hospital where I trained and a another girl Who lived in a room nearby had a large Iguana that lived in her room with her.I understand how you feel about them, reptiles are intriguing animals.
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