Burying my past & looking towards my future...

Well I’ve finally done it! I’ve started my blog…
I’ve always enjoyed reading my other cf friends blog’s, such as the amazing Kirstie & beautiful Kerry, but everyone is different, so here is my story…

Starting from the very beginning, people who are close to me will know that I haven’t had any easy life & that’s not even bringing my cystic fibrosis into it.
From being badly bullied at school & other family issues; including my father disappearing on me when I was 15, to bad relationships & friendships leading me to hate my life so much I would self harm.
I’m not proud to admit it & long have been the days since I last self harmed, but am still very scared to this day it will bubble up to the surface when things just get too much.

I guess I have never recovered from my father doing a runner.
At the time I was seeing a lot of him when he decided to tell me he was moving abroad but would stay in touch & I could visit when I liked…
I received a postcard a few days after his flight & to this day that was the last I heard of him. I had tried to track him down, contacted police & such like, but it just seemed he didn’t want to be found. I block it out these days, I mean if I meant nothing to him, then why should he exist to me?

Me (yes laugh it out!) with my father & older brother Leigh

My younger brother & sister, Ben & Lauren

Family issues are emotionally draining for me, all my siblings are half, but that has never made a difference to me, they are my blood & I love them all dearly. Even if at times it doesn’t feel like we are that close.

I was badly bullied at school for the colour of my skin & as my cf grew more visible to people, the fact I was a ‘granny’ in a young girls body. This affected me in more ways then one & it was a very difficult time in my life as things weren’t good for a very long time.

I guess I wasn’t really happy up until very recently, December 2009 when I found my soul mate. Someone people never thought would have been a good match. Six years younger than me, & one of my younger brothers friends, Stefan was my knight in shining armour.
We clicked instantly, had so much in common, absent fathers & unlucky pasts - but he saw through my cf. Instead of blaming me for being ill (as other people had done in the past) he understood it, embraced it. He couldn’t care less if I was coughing up blood & green stuff, had to stop when walking to catch my breath, or something I detest, having a mickey (feeding peg in my tummy) sticking out of my body, so unattractive but beneficial to keeping me strong, he just loved me for me.

I had never ever come across someone so understanding, caring & loving - yet so misunderstood by other people. They thought it would never last but I knew we would be together forever.

The happiest day of my life to date was this year, July 2^nd when we were married in front of family & friends. It was everything I had ever wanted, the ceremony itself so emotional because we know that things aren’t easy now & the future is a guessing game, but Stefan has my heart & I want to have a happy and long life with him so intend to do all in my power to try & make that happen.

My hubby & I signing the register...

On our honeymoon, in Tenerife

On September the 2^nd, Stefan & I travelled down to Harefield Hospital for my lung transplant assessment. I had all my tests done in the morning then had my consultation just after half one. I must admit I really liked the hospital, so small compared to others I had stayed in & it was obvious the staff knew what they were doing - they made me feel comfortable & at ease, especially my transplant co-ordinator Brian.
The consultation was a lot more straight forward than what I initially thought it was going to be, my doctor’s opinion was that the time was definitely right for me considering my very poor quality of life, but at the same time explaining that obviously it wasn't a cure or the be all & end all.
We discussed the procedure, success rates & risks, he looked at my x ray & told me difficulties they may endure during surgery.
As far as I was concerned if it got me five more years with my husband its what I wanted to do. At the rate my body is deteriorating I wasn’t sure how long I had left so it was decided there & then I wanted to come back for all the tests to make sure I would be ok for the procedure.

We go back for a three day stay on November 13^th & yes I am absolutely petrified. I will find out within a week after the tests if I’m going on the list.
So many things are racing through my mind every second of the day, but all it comes down to is I just want to live happily with my husband & not struggle anymore.